Path From The Head To The Heart

My Testimony

2009-05-15T10:34:00.001-04:00

My testimony now posted on wordpress blog.

http://tiny.cc/rsehj

Conversion to Wordpress

2009-05-13T09:41:00.005-04:00

Ok...it is official...I have converted over to Wordpress. All blogs will be posted there in the future.
http://pathfromtheheadtotheheart.wordpress.com/

Yikes!

2009-05-11T16:47:00.005-04:00

I have had this blog for a few months now; yet, I have kept it private and allowed only people I invited to view it. But, today I opened myself up. I am vulnerable and I am pretty sure I don't like it. Hmmm...I may go back into hiding, but for now here I am. I have also been working on converting it over to Wordpress...but the progress is slow going... I haven't been the most regular poster...usually only when I feel inspired...So, who knows what I will do going forward, but for now...welcome.

Settle Down Part II

2009-05-01T10:41:00.001-04:00

And the journey from the head to the heart continues...This morning I read from He Speaks to Me by Priscilla Shirer, as I do every morning. I was struck with the irony that the chapter I started this morning covered much of what I wrote in my blog yesterday. God has been doing that with me a lot lately. It is now to a point where my husband and I both have to laugh at how often it happens and how blatantly obvious it is. Thank you, Lord, for being an active participant in my life.

Here is an excerpt of what I read:

"Our desire shouldn’t be to impress God, but to have a relationship with Him…Paul gives you a bit of truth you need to know, “God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him.” (Philippians 2:13 NLT). This remarkable verse says that desiring and doing God’s will are not our responsibility; they are His. In other words it’s God’s job to cause you to want to do what is right and give you the power to pull it off….

...I am certain that Satan wants us to miss the importance of intimacy with the Lord. He wants us to be so busy trying to impress God that we miss out on the closeness He desires. The Enemy does this because he knows that an intimate relationship with God is where we experience His presence and power.

…No longer do I frantically search for God’s will; now I just desperately search for God. I trust that it is His responsibility to show me what He wants me to do and how I am to go about doing it. As I seek Him, stay in His word, and confess my sins, He transforms my mind and emotions to align with His plans and purposes for my life.

God is too great to be impressed by all of our activity. People might be impressed, but God won’t be. We will bring a smile to His face when we sit at His feet, hear His voice, and discover the secrets reserved for His friends. May we respond the to the Lord, as David did: “My heart has heard you say, ‘Come and talk with me.’ And my heart responds, ‘Lord, I am coming.’” (Psalm 27:8) ---------------from He Speaks to Me, by Priscilla Shirer

As I let this message wash over me this morning, the story of Mary and Martha comes to mind. Martha was frustrated that while she was slaving away in the kitchen trying to prepare a meal for Christ and his disciples, her sister Mary was just sitting at Christ's feet. Out of pride and arrogance Martha asked that Christ rebuke Mary for not helping her in the kitchen, but Christ instead rebuked Martha stating that Mary had chosen what is best.

The most obvious message in this story is Christ values our time spent with Him in intimate relationship over us busying ourselves in service to Him. Isn't that an amazing thought? The world demands more and more of our time, energy, work, focus...but Christ values us settling down at His feet more than what we can do for Him. The last thing I want to think about as I look back over my life is that I missed out on the intimacy of a relationship with Christ because I was too busy in the kitchen; to come to the end of my life and realize that I missed intimate moments with Him while here on earth would be too much to bear.

Service is one of my love languages. It is one of the ways I show people I love them. I want to show God I love Him and that I am grateful for His grace and mercy by serving Him. So does the story of Mary and Martha mean we should abandon service? I don't think that is the entire message of this story. I wonder if Christ's rebuke of Martha had more to do with the state of her heart or her desire to impress Christ rather than her desire to humbly serve him? I know that I can fall into the trap of trying to be the best Christian or the best employee or the best wife and stepmom, all the while the state of my heart is saying "Look at me...Look at what I am doing! Pay attention to me. Love me. Affirm me. Me, Me, Me." When this is the state of my heart, my service isn't about love for Christ it is about ME. Ah, self-centered service is not service at all.

Could that be the reason that we are saved by grace through faith, so that no one may boast? God in His divine wisdom knew that if it were through our works that we are saved or through our own efforts that we are transformed, that man's ego would Edge God Out of the picture altogether.

So the journey continues. I want to strive to serve my Lord humbly. I want to look for every opportunity to sit at His feet and be in relationship with Him. I want to rest in Him and in the knowledge that He will lead me where He wants me to go; I just have to keep my eyes on Him.

Lord, thank you that you long to be in relationship with me. Thank you that you will continue your work in me, transforming me, until the day of its completion in Christ Jesus. Thank you that you care more about the state of my heart than what I am doing "for you." Thank you for your guidance. Thank you for the truth that is found in your word. Create in me a clean heart, o Lord, and renew a right spirit within me. I love you.

Settle Down

2009-04-30T22:02:00.002-04:00

Settle down. Be still. These are words often spoken to me by dear friends and loved ones. I sometimes find myself wound tighter than a snare drum and when I do, these words wash over me and soothe my soul.

I have an intense desire to seek the Lord; to continue to grow in knowledge of Him and in relationship with Him; to be refined by Him, used by Him and to serve Him well. It is often what drives me. That in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. However, when I fall into the trap of perfectionism and operating on my own agenda and timeline, even with the best of intentions, I lose sight of God. I get reminded that I am running the race like a 50-yard dash instead of pacing myself for a lifelong journey. I find myself attempting to reach righteousness like it is a destination. Abraham was counted righteous by his faith, not by his works. Does it help me to remember that God loves me no more now than He did when I was lost? Does it help me to know that He won’t love me more because of what I do “for Him”?

Most of what I do is out of love and thankfulness to the one who restored a broken woman. Most of the time my motive is pure. But at the same time, I am striving toward a self-determined goal instead of just allowing the Lord to have His way with me.

As I sat having my quiet time yesterday morning, this message presented itself to me yet again. Do I get so caught up in trying to be “good” for God, that my priorities become more about being good than just seeking to just be still in His presence? Just the thought of resting at His feet in the knowledge that He loves me wholly and completely as broken as I still am sends a wave of peace all over my body.

As I spent time meditating on Psalm 1 yesterday morning, two words really stuck out to me in the passage.

2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season (emphasis mine)
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

In season. So, when I abide in the Lord, I will bear fruit in season, in other words in His time. The harvest doesn’t always occur when I want it to and the fruit is not always what I expected or even hoped, but it is a fruit sweeter than any other I could ever produce on my own.

Lord, I am so grateful that you have given me a heart for you, a thirst and a hunger for you. I confess that I don’t know how to walk the fine line between striving for personal and spiritual growth and being still and waiting on your lead? I pray that you will teach me how to settle down. Teach me how to seek you and serve you passionately without getting distracted by my own timeline and agenda. Lord, I never want to lose sight of you. Thank you that your grace covers me and that your mercies are new every morning. Thank you that no matter what decision I make today, good or bad, you could not love me anymore than you already do. There is peace in that. May I be still in your presence and rest in the knowledge that you love me wholly and completely and without condition. May the knowledge of that make it from my head to my heart. I love you.

Hands On Moments

2009-04-18T18:55:00.005-04:00

Written for Ladies Bible Study Retreat:

Over the past ten weeks, God has continually revealed himself to me in very real, very powerful and very personal ways. I have experienced such tangible moments with Him that it was if He was sitting right beside me as I explored His word and sought to know Him and believe Him more deeply. To say that I have been transformed through this Bible study seems somehow incredibly understated. How does one express in words truly divine encounters with our Lord? The words at this moment seem to elude me and my attempts thus far have been nothing short of verbose and incredibly inadequate. Yet the other night in my dream, God led me to a passage in the Bible, about one of His encounters with Moses who was struggling with his own feelings of inadequacy. In Exodus 4:10-12 “Moses pleaded with the Lord, ‘O Lord, I am not very good with words. I never have been, and I am not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue –tied and my words get tangled.’ Then the Lord asked Moses, ‘Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” So the question is will I take God at His word? And today, my answer is yes, I am believing God to equip me with the words regarding the effect this Bible study has had on me!

The act of present-active participle believing God took on an entirely new shape in my life over the last ten weeks. There were countless lessons the Lord provided me during this study. However, as I focused in prayer regarding sharing my experience, I believe the Lord impressed upon me three major points. Over the last couple of weeks 1 Timothy 1:12 has been resonating within me and I believe it is the first point the Lord has revealed to me. In this verse Paul states, “…I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day.” Through this verse, the Lord showed me that I need to not only know whom I believe, but in whom I believe. In the beginning weeks of this study, God opened my eyes to the fact that I suffered from a very bad case of misplaced faith. I have known for quite some time that my tendency is often to rely upon my own strength and resources when faced with life circumstances. When asked on the faith test what my tendency was when fear came on my like a tidal wave, my answer was pray and panic. Sure, I spent plenty of time in prayer, seeking strength and wisdom from the Lord, but ultimately my theology did not match my reality. Isaiah 40:31 states “Those that hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” The King James Version states it as “those that wait upon the Lord”, and I was not hoping or waiting. I was praying and panicking, or as Beth Moore puts it I was whining and wishing instead of believing and receiving. And as a result of trying to live by my own strength, I was emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted.

Thankfully, God chose to convict me during week 2 as I was working with a young girl I have been mentoring for years. We were reading through an unrelated, secular book when I was hit right between the eyes with the quote, “For just so long as we were convinced that we could live exclusively by our own individual strength and intelligence, for just that long was a working faith in God impossible. This is true even when we believe God exists. We can actually have earnest religious beliefs which remain barren because we are still trying to play God ourselves. As long as we place self-reliance first, a genuine reliance upon God is out of the question.” Prior to this revelation, I would have told you with all sincerity that I loved God with my whole heart and that I believed in Him, in His faithfulness, in His unconditional love, and in His power and that apart from Him I could do nothing. But it was in that moment I realized I had been playing god in my own life; my theology did not match my reality. Therefore, when life’s circumstances would present themselves, I would crumble and spend hours worrying and trying to figure things out on my own. Worry had become an idol to me as I spent more time at its feet than I did at the feet of my Savior. My faith had been in me and in my own abilities, not in God and His word. I discovered that I made a horrible god. So I earnestly prayed for God to help me overcome my unbelief and He was so faithful to me. He began to reveal Himself and His character to me through His word. He gave my feet a firm place to stand. He replaced my faith in faith with faith in Him and His word.

He provided me with examples of people in the Bible who also had trouble believing Him. Sarah decided that God was not going to come through on His promise to Abraham to give them a child and decided to play God herself by convincing Abraham to sleep with her maidservant Hagar. Sarah did not practice present-active participle believing, she practiced self-reliance. She usurped God’s authority. In doing so she created unrest in her family life. God allowed her to experience the consequences of her unbelief just as he allows me to experience my own consequences. Yet her unfaithfulness to God did not cause Him to go back on His promise and in His faithfulness, He still provided them with a son.

Another example is God’s chosen people, the Israelites. What better example of whining and wishing instead of believing and receiving than the Israelite people? God promised them the land of milk and honey. He proved His faithfulness by delivering them from captivity in Egypt. He parted the Red Sea until they were safely across and then wiped out their enemies in the waters. He fed them manna from heaven in the desert, yet still they griped, complained and whined. They even created new gods to worship. As a result, not one of their generation were allowed to step foot into the land of Canaan, but even despite their unbelief He was faithful and delivered their descendants to the promise land.

There are many examples in the Bible and in my own life of God’s faithfulness, but like the people in the Bible my impatience, unbelief and tendency to take matters into my own hands always had consequences. More often than not, those consequences manifested themselves as anxiety, irritability, bondage, and a lack of peace and joy that a life of true present-active participle believing would have afforded me. I discovered that hindsight faith, or recognizing that God had taken care of me in the past but questioning whether He will do so in my present or future circumstances, wasn’t a faith firmly rooted in the Lord at all. Hebrews 10:23 states, “Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.” I was convicted that by my choice to worry about life circumstances, I was making a decision that God is not trustworthy. That was a shocking revelation to me. Thankfully, Hebrews 10:23 now serves as way for me to perform a bit of a faith check up. Do I trust God or not? If so, then I need to hold on tightly to the hope that can found in His faithfulness.

The second thing the Lord imparted on me during this study is the correlation between knowing His word and present-active participle believing. One morning as I was having my regular study time, God revealed to me just how important it is to know His word. I was reading about Jesus fasting for forty days in the desert after he was baptized and how the devil tempted him during this time. The devil tempted Jesus three times and each time Jesus used scripture to fight the devil. This was a perfect example to me of Christ raising his sword of the spirit to fend off the evil one. I have read those verses many times before, but never had they taken on meaning like they did in that moment. But even more impressive than Jesus using scripture to fight the devil is that the devil used scripture when tempting Christ. This to me was a huge wake-up call and impressed upon me how important knowing God’s word is to present-active participle believing and resisting sin and temptation in this world.
Ephesians 6:10-18 tells us that we are fighting a spiritual battle and to put on the full armor of God. This includes our shield of faith, which will extinguish all the flaming arrows of the devil and our sword of the spirit, which is God’s word. It goes on to say that when I have done all I can, to stand. The word stand in that verse is very impactful to me and prompted me to look it up in the KJV with Strong’s. One of the definitions of the Greek version of this word is to make firm, fix or establish. To know God’s word is to be fixed firmly in His word; to be unwavering when tempted to take matters into my own hands; to know whom I believe through His word and to stand firmly upon it.

Through reading about Christ’s example in the desert, I began to have a thirst for God’s word like never before. He brought me verse after verse that I wrote on index cards and began carrying with me and committing them to memory. Psalm 119:11 talks about hiding God’s word in our hearts so that we won’t sin against him and Psalm 119:105 says that God’s word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. These verses stress to me the importance of leaning on His word. I have felt invigorated in the faith. Prior to this study, I had admittedly begun to feel lukewarm, but through earnestly seeking to not just read and know, but to truly believe God’s word and hide it in my heart I have felt affirmed by the Lord over and over again. I am whole-heartedly convinced that He spoke to me many times throughout this study, mostly through His word.

Finally, I believe God wanted me to recognize He will not be contained or act according to human expectations or limitations. He often acts in unconventional ways and uses unconventional people, like Rahab the prostitute, Paul the Christian persecutor and Gideon, the not-so-mighty warrior, to achieve His perfect will. I know I have been guilty in the past of placing limitations on God and thinking that there are certain things He just doesn’t or won’t do. In Priscilla Shirer’s book, He Speaks To Me, she poses the question, “When God wants to do something out of the ordinary can he look to you or me? Or will He have to bypass us because we’ve become too set in our ways?” Our Lord spoke the world into existence, spoke to Moses from a burning bush, and performed many other incredibly radical wonders that defy our human logic. I don’t want to miss seeing or experiencing His glory because of my own preconceived ideas of how He does or doesn’t act. The Lord has shown up in very real, very tangible ways for me over the past ten weeks, some of them took my breath away and left my mind reeling with His glory. I love the reverence Jeremiah has for the Lord in 32:17 where he says “Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have created the heavens and earth by your mighty power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” How amazing to know that I belong to Him and because of Christ’s sacrifice I can come boldly and confidently before Him.

I wish I could find words to express how abundantly the Lord fed me through this study. He guided me through scriptures both through the homework and through my regular personal study time. Throughout the study He affirmed His presence and active participation in my life. I am humbled and overflowing with thankfulness that He would spend time with me as He did. The rewards I have received from my feeble attempts to know whom I believe, to hide His word in my heart, and to experience Him in whatever way He chooses to reveal Himself have been innumerable. The Bible states that we are more than conquerors through Him that loves us and of that I am wholly convinced. I have been transformed. I feel freer than ever before. I pray with joyful expectancy rather than wishing and whining. My prayer life is now empowered through scripture. I am protected by the full armor of God, guided by the Holy Spirit, and comforted by God’s word. More than any of that, I am hopeful that I am bringing God pleasure and that He is truly taking great delight in me and rejoicing over me with singing like in Zephaniah 3:17 as I seek to believe BIG. While I know that I have only begun to believe God, I have faith that He who has begun this good work in me will carry it through until the day of its completion in Christ Jesus. It has been an amazing journey with my Lord thus far. All glory and honor and praise to Him!!!

How Big is Your God?

2009-03-12T14:44:00.002-04:00

Have you ever stopped to wonder just how big God really is? Have you ever stopped to think what you really believe about who God is or what He is capable of doing?

Often my willingness to trust God, to place my faith in Him and surrender my life to Him is directly related to what I believe to be true about Him.

I believe in my past I put God in a safe little box. I stereotyped Him. I believed that there were certain things God just could not or would not do. In essence, I placed limitations on Him. I had hog-tied God. In doing so, my ability to really trust Him with my life was limited. What I believed He could accomplish in and through my life was limited as well. If I have a God upon which I have placed human limitations, then where am I to turn when I have superhuman problems?

Thankfully, I have had some amazing women in my life over the years who challenged my beliefs of God. One woman in particular posed a challenge to me that I will never forget. We were talking one day about something I was struggling with and she asked me if I thought God could or would take care of it for me. When I expressed doubt, she said to me very bluntly, “Then you need to get a bigger god.”

I will never forget that conversation. I have forgotten all of the circumstances surrounding it, but that one statement is as clear to me as if it happened yesterday. Through the challenge she presented me, I began to be open to the idea that God is much bigger than I was allowing Him to be in my life.

So what impact would it have on our lives if we believed God is big enough, real enough and powerful enough to move real live mountains? What impact would it have on our lives if we believed God does talk to us if we just listen for Him? What impact would it have on our lives if we truly believed there is nothing too big for God to handle? How would my life change if I believed that the very limitation I have placed on God is the one thing He is waiting to do in my life if I would let Him?

Jesus told his disciples in Matthew 17:19-21, that if they had faith has small as a mustard seed, they could say to a mountain ‘move from here to there’ and it would move. He told them nothing is impossible for them. So if I can move mountains with faith as small as a mustard seed, then what is impossible for the Creator of the universe? Nothing! Nothing is impossible for our God.

I had an interesting experience in premarital counseling with my husband a year ago. It was our last session and our pastor asked if he could speak a prophetic word over us. Of course, we allowed him to do so. He really began to focus on my inability to have children and that God can heal me so that I can have my own children if I am willing to ask Him and believe Him. Our pastor did not know, that 6 years prior to that I had a total hysterectomy, so there is nothing left in me to create or sustain life. We all got a little giggle out of it when we told him that, but then he kept going. He asked me did I still believe that God was capable of giving me children, of healing my body and generating new growth within. Thankfully, I was able to answer YES! I believe that God is capable of anything. Yes, I believe He is capable of healing my body totally and completely. Then he said if I believed God was capable of it, ask Him for healing. I lifted my face and my hands to heaven, with tears streaming down, and I asked God for a miracle. I had the sweetest moment with my Lord that day! I will treasure that memory forever!

So all that being said, do I think that God will truly provide me with my own child? Not necessarily, but I do believe that He can and if it is within His plan for our lives, He will. But, what I think more about that moment the three of us had that day, is that God was asking me(through our pastor), “Are you willing to believe me? Are you willing to trust in my power? Are you willing to have childlike faith in me?” Oh, I so believe in the power of my Lord! Even remembering that day now brings the question to me just as sharply as it did that day. I still believe that nothing is impossible for him who believes. Yes, Lord, I am willing to BELIEVE you!

I think that too often we are just scared to believe. Not for fear that He can’t, but for fear that He won’t. What if we take a risk and ask for a miracle and nothing happens? Oh, that would be too painful to bear. We just can’t afford to get our hopes up, right? Wrong! What life is it without hope? Hebrews 11:1 says “faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” God wants me to put my hope in Him, and He will never let me down.

God will never let me down, but that does not mean I will always get what I want. A good question to ask myself is, “Am I willing to trust to God’s care those things most precious to me?” If my answer is no, then I need to really examine what I believe to be true about God. Very often when I am unwilling to surrender things to God, it is because I am afraid He won’t work it out the way I want. In that case, I allowed the person, thing or circumstance to become an idol to me. Do I value it over what God has in store for me? Don’t I know that what God has in store for me is far better than anything I could ever imagine? 1 Corinthians 2:9 says, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.” Yet, I cling desperately to what I want instead.

There have been many times in my life that my unwillingness to surrender an outcome to God has brought me to my knees. One particular day, in a desperate and humble plea to God, I acknowledged my stubbornness and I submitted to His will. In just the humble act of surrendering my idol to God, I was freed from its bondage. And in that particular instance, God did not remove it from my life. From that I learned that sometimes God just wants me to be willing to let something go, He does not necessarily want to take it away from me.

So what kind of limitations have I placed on God? What do I really believe about His character? How do I really think God acts in my life and the lives of those around me? Personally, my God is indefinable! Every time I place a limitation on Him in my mind, He breaks out of the box! He will not be contained. He will not be limited. He shows up BIG if I allow Him!!!

I am so thankful that my God keeps putting me to the fire. He continues to grow me and to reveal himself to me through a personal relationship with Him. I would not trade any of the pain I have experienced in life because every single second of it has brought me closer to my Creator. And every day I walk in intimate relationship with Him, I begin to know Him more deeply and He begins to reveal His power and majesty to me. He has only begun to show me just how big He really is! I am overwhelmed at the thought of it all.

Believing God

2009-03-10T20:27:00.001-04:00

I have felt a desire to write for many years now. For whatever reason, I have never really done anything about it. I recently began attending a Beth Moore Bible study called Believing God. This study has been transformational in my life. The power and presence of the Lord in my life over the last 7 weeks as I have been doing this study has been very, very real. It has been during this Bible study that my desire to write has turned into more of a burning. I have not been able to ignore it. I have not been able to forget it. Everywhere I turn it seems I am getting affirmation. Every book I read just magically has something related to conversations I have had or prayers I have prayed. The affirmation has come from at least five or more different books, magazines and devotionals with all unrelated topics, yet they still just seem to magically move me down the path toward my calling. It has become so frequent and blatant that it is becoming almost comical. I am awestruck. Yet another affirmation occurred today as I sat down to do my Bible study homework and I had to laugh out loud as I stared at the words on the page I was reading.

Coincidence? I don’t really believe in coincidences in life. I had a dear friend that used to call them coinci-Gods and my dad refers to them as God-incidences. I just love it when they happen. I love it when the Creator of the universe has a very real and very personal moment with me. To know that He is actively involved in my life on a daily basis; that He is always with me and always acting on my behalf is simply overwhelming. I am important to God. I am so in love with my Father and He is so in love with me. His interaction with me lately leaves me speechless.

I was so inspired by a Scripture I read yesterday morning during my personal devotion time, I knew I had to write about it. I began writing about it yesterday. However, I did not get to finish it last night and so my hope was to finish it today after work. As today wore on though, doubts and discouragement began to fill my mind. “Who am I kidding? I am no writer, what could I possibly have to say? Who would really want to read my writing? I am not a biblical scholar. I don’t have a degree in religious studies. So what do I really think I am doing?” My mind was riddled with these thoughts and I began to think about quitting.

But then this morning as I was working on my Bible study homework, Beth Moore challenged the reader to write their own book. She said, “You are probably thinking who would want to read anything you have to say?” That was my exact question to myself just the day before. So, I was determined to press on.

When I came home from work today, I determined I first needed to finish my Bible study homework before I could begin writing again. And what very chapter of the Bible was I directed to read? Deuteronomy 8. Why is that important, you may think? Well, because just last night I was writing about how Jesus quoted scripture in Matthew 4:1-11 when being tempted by the devil about how man does not live by bread alone but by the word of God. I had NO idea where the original verse was in the Bible that Jesus was quoting, but all of a sudden there in Deuteronomy 8, I was staring at that very verse. Out of all of the verses in the Bible, this one is the one I was directed to read??? Coincidence? Impossible! These God-incidences have become too many to even count lately. It leaves me almost breathless. God is so present in our lives if we allow Him to be; if we fix our eyes on Him. That is what I have really been focusing on lately, fixing my eyes on my Father! And boy has He shown up and shown out! I just love it when He shows off!

So all that leads me into what originally inspired me to finally put words on paper after twelve years of thinking about writing…Yesterday, I was doing some personal study time when a book I was reading briefly mentioned Matthew 4:1-11. This passage occurs after Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist. After his baptism, Christ went into the desert to fast for 40 days and nights. Toward the end of the 40 days, the devil came to Jesus and tempted him three times to sin against God. After reading the brief paragraph about it in this book, I decided I wanted to read to the actual passage itself. I am sure I have read this passage before, but it has never really spoken to me as it did yesterday. As I sat there and read the passage, the words were practically leaping off the page and slapping me in the face. I was immediately jotting notes down in the margin of my Bible.

Probably one of the first things that struck me as I read is that in all three temptations recorded in the Bible, Christ used scripture to stand up to the devil. In the first temptation, after 40 days of fasting and surely at the height of his hunger, the devil taunts Jesus and says if he is indeed the Son of God then he should turn the stones into bread. Yet Christ resists in verse 4 stating, “It is written: Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” So, in this instance not only does Christ refuse to fall into the trap to prove that he is the Son of God out of pride or ego, but he also resists his own hunger and relies on God’s strength and faithfulness to sustain him. He leaned on God. He kept is eyes fixed on God instead of worrying about feeding his earthly needs and desires. How often I have succumbed to my own fleshly hunger rather than choosing to hunker down in God’s word and rely on His faithfulness and provision.

The devil was tempting Jesus to take matters into his own hands instead of waiting and relying upon the Lord. How many times have I taken matters into my own hands? Too many to count! In my lack of trust in the Lord or my impatience with His timing, I fall prey to the devil and act on my sin of self-reliance. Every time I act on my own agenda I experience the painful consequences of my actions. Thankfully, God is patient with me and loves me and pours out His grace and mercy on me anyway. I began to wonder how many stories there are in the Bible of people who got tired of waiting on God and decided to take care things on their own. Several came to mind immediately, but I am sure I could find many more as I search the pages of the Bible.

Abram and Sarah came to mind. Sarah got tired of waiting on God to deliver on his promise of giving her a child. So, she took matters into her own hands and convinced Abram to sleep with her maid servant Hagar in hopes of helping God achieve His promise. Now my initial thought the first time I read that story was how stupid she was to bring another woman into their marriage. But now after many years and many of my own messes I have created by not trusting God to keep his promise, it begins to seem a little more plausible to me that someone could be such a slave to their own desires that they would get tired of waiting on God and resort to drastic measures. But God is all powerful. He is the God who can move mountains; the God who saves. He does not need my help in accomplishing His purpose. Hebrews 10:23 NLT states, “Let us hold tightly, without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.” Maybe one day the essence of this verse will make it from my head to my heart.

Later on in Abraham’s life, he was blessed by the Lord with his son Isaac, just as God had promised. Yet one day, the Lord asked Abraham to sacrifice his son as an offering. This time, Abraham was faithful and devoted to the Lord, and as a result he willingly obeyed the Lord’s command. And God after seeing Abraham’s willingness to trust in Him and be obedient to Him provided a sacrificial ram so that Isaac would be spared. Abraham never wavered. He never took matters into his own hands. He waited upon the Lord, and the Lord was faithful.

The story of Adam and Eve also came to mind. So I journeyed there in my reading. God had promised them all the good things of the garden and fellowship with Him. Yet Eve decided that was not good enough. Satan tempted her with the fruit of the tree that would give her knowledge of good and evil. As if God had not already given them enough, she wanted more. Satan played on that and we all know the rest of the story. My Bible’s commentary on the fall of man suggests that temptation is not just the attempt of the devil to woo a person into doing something evil, but an opportunity for me to show that I am faithful and devoted to my Lord. Isaiah 40:31 states, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Waiting upon the Lord is the action suggested to me, and the promise is that I will have renewed strength, I will run and not get tired and I will walk and not faint. But waiting? Really? Waiting is not my strong suit and I would tend to think in this day and age of instant gratification I am probably not the only one.

All I can say is, WOW! I am so impressed right now with what I feel has been revealed to me in these scriptures. For so long, self-reliance has been one of my biggest enemies; a stumbling stone in my walk with God, yet the Lord has always provided for me anyway. He has always worked things out to my good.

What was even more amazing to me than all of this is that satan even quoted scripture as one of his tactics. This was a wake-up call. This was a call to arms. When I saw this, I almost fell out of my chair. All of a sudden the sermon series on spiritual warfare I had attended some years ago came flooding back to me. The pastor had spoken about how the devil will often take the truth and distort it ever so slightly…and here he was using scripture to tempt Jesus. Yet, even though he wielded scripture as his tool, Jesus was not fooled and again quoted scripture and resisted the devils taunts.

In the Believing God Bible study, Beth Moore has spoken passionately about the power of the mouth and of speaking God’s word. So, I have been fervently attempting to commit some key verses to memory so that I may take up my sword of the spirit and shield of faith and be prepared to fight against the enemy. But, it never occurred to me that sometimes the devil may even use God’s word against me just as he did against Jesus. So how does a person protect themselves from that? I don’t really know the answer to that except that I will keep my eyes fixed on the Lord. I will seek Him all of my days. I will seek to know Him personally so that I will know His voice. And, I will trust in God’s faithfulness!

The last thing that stood out to me is the timing of the devil’s attack. The devil attacked Jesus after he was baptized and before he set out on his ministry during his 40 days of fasting in the desert. This, to me, is a sign of how powerful the implications of Christ’s life were going to be to the world and Satan knew this to be true. Imagine the magnitude of the spiritual ramifications if Christ had given into the devil’s temptations. I personally do not even want to begin to imagine my life without the grace that his sacrifice has afforded me. I would be doomed because as much as I love my Father in heaven, I am still a sinful woman. I relate so deeply with Paul as he expressed his struggle with his own sinful nature in the book of Romans. I believe Paul had a tremendous impact for the kingdom of God and yet he still struggled with sin. Probably no other writings in the Bible, up to this point, have had the impact on me that Paul’s have had. He described it in Romans 7:15-25, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but I hate what I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do: no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.”

That pretty much says it all to me! I am a slave to sin and without Christ’s death and resurrection, I am doomed. So, thankfully Jesus not only resisted the devil and went on to fulfill his purpose of being a sacrifice for my sins, but he also provided me with an excellent example of how to stand up against the devil in my own life. It is by not only knowing God’s word, but by living it out in my life and by living in a deep and intimate relationship with Him, solely dependent upon Him, waiting on Him to provide me with my needs that I will truly be victorious. And even when I stray, my Father is patient with me and showers me with grace and mercy and He does not forget me. I am so in love with my Savior. Thank you Lord for giving me the passion I have for you!

The Belly of the Whale: Day 1

2009-03-07T17:15:00.001-05:00

Ok, so here it goes. When I stare at a blank Microsoft Word page, I just get overwhelmed. So, I thought the best way to ease myself into this writing thing is to try blogging.

I have been sitting in the belly of the whale for a while now. Paralyzed. Confused. Struck dumb.I am beginning to get very frustrated about the whole thing.

My husband thinks it's funny and just keeps teasing me about "the whale". Ken says that if i don't listen to God's calling on my life, God might just send a whale to swallow me up and make me listen to Him like He did to Jonah.

Well, here I sit. I am too afraid to go forward and unable to go backward. I don't know how to discern if God is calling me to write or not. I only want to honor Him with all I do. I don't want to glorify self or seek the accolades of others.

When I finally decided that I was just going to go ahead and write, even if for my eyes only, I really felt struck dumb. So then comes the questioning of self again. Maybe it really isn't God's calling on my life. Maybe I don't really have anything to say. The frustration of the whole thing caused me to pick a fight with my husband today.

Therein lies my struggle. I want to write. I want to shout at the top of my lungs what the Lord has done for me. I want to encourage others with my words. I want to write. I want to write. I want to write.

I have wanted to write for around 12 years now, I think. And now here I sit. In the belly of the stinking whale. Now what? Maybe I just need to read the story in the Bible for insight. I wonder if it will tell me how to get out?

So, how do you discern if something is a calling God has on your life? I feel like everywhere I have turned lately I am getting confirmation that this is something the Lord wants me to do. I want to be used by Him. I want to be bold for Him. I want to be confident in knowledge of what He wants from me.

I don't give myself much credit. More often than not I question myself, my thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. I question my sanity a lot too. I learned in Bible study the other day that Satan uses a tool called demoralization as spiritual warfare against God's people. Demoralization was described as that thing you fear most that you are, Satan confirms to you over and over again as truth. So what do I fear I am most when it comes to writing? A failure? I haven't even started yet. How can you fail at something before you even begin? Do I fear that I have conjured this "call to write" up in my own head and now through confirmation bias I am seeing "signs" of God's calling to me? Again, self doubt. I definitely fear that I have nothing of value to say. Nothing of use to God or my fellow man. Ahh, demoralization.

So, here I sit. In the belly of the whale. Struck dumb. Wordless. Directionless. Frustrated. Discouraged. Resentful. Boy, Satan got his hooks into me the last two days. I was just standing on top of the mountain with God and now I am in the pits with the evil one. I think I have a case of spiritual whiplash. How does that happen? I crashed hard. Do I need medicine? What is up with me? Or is the devil that afraid of me? Does he know that i could be a powerful tool in my Father's kingdom and so he is throwing everything he can at me to paralyze me? Right now, he is winning. But my God is stronger! And if this is His calling on my life, there is nothing that Satan can do or say to hold me back...he may detour me for a little while, but my God will prevail.

So, in the meantime, I will blog. I will see if I become inspired. I will fight against the devil's demoralization tactics with my Sword of the Spirit and my Shield of Faith!

Here I am Lord. Do with me what you will.